First Post

So I created this blog in order to express the many emotions I'm dealing with as I go through the grieving process (the debris after the storm). I am afraid that the more I talk about it with friends, the more friends I will lose. Nobody can understand the type of loss I'm going through and I don't want to tire them out by hashing out the details of my grief every day. So this is my outlet. This is MY way to get those thoughts off my chest without burdening anyone in particular.

First, I will explain my situation.
I am a young 21 and have known and loved Lance for over 5 years. We were together since I was 16 years old and instantly became best friends and then romantic partners. We talked every day on the phone or in person and had an indiscribable relationship. We both were at college together, where he was going to graduate this December.

It was 4 weeks ago yesterday that I began to be worried about the fact that I hadn't heard from Lance, when he normally texted me around the same time every day. I was working in my hometown and he was taking summer classes at our University. I sent a friend to check on him after lunch when it had been several hours since his usual call time. I will never forget the words she said when she called back. "There's blood everywhere and he's not breathing. I think he's dead."
He was pronounced dead in my apartment (where he took care of our pet bunny) of a gunshot wound to the head. He was 24.
Suicide was ruled out as the cause and his death is now being investigated as a homicide. I can not understand WHY this happened.
The day before he died, he had picked out my engagement ring and his wedding band. We had looked at engagement rings together on Easter morning. I had already told him YES but that he had to make it official. He was going to propose at our school's football game, a place that we shared many memories and made our relationship stronger.


Going right into how this has impacted me:

It feels impossible to understand why my entire future was ripped out from under me in a split second. I'm afraid to even plan for things as simple as lunch tomorrow because everything we planned for our lives together is ruined.
I feel similar emotions to that of a widow. Even though we were not officially married, we had that type of relationship. It's impossible and pointless to try and explain the bond between two of us if you had never seen us together, but I had full faith that we would grow old together in a beautiful marriage.

I have lost my best friend and my well-planned future and I feel completely lost. Half of me died with him. Everyone else is moving on and I am literally STUCK. One hour feels like ten and while I am frozen in time, everyone else is speeding around me.

Everyone says I'm so strong but it makes me angry because I know I am SO weak. Also, I feel like those words "You're so strong" brings on a bundle of expectations. People expect me to be okay if I have one day where I don't cry (which isn't often) and then don't understand when I break down for no reason the next day. It's like they think "but you were doing so well." From talking with other people who have been through great loss, this expectation only gets worse with time. I know that I will still be grieving a long time from now, as it's impossible to bounce back from losing your other half. And my biggest worry is that 6 months from now after I become able to have days without crying, I will surely have another bad day and people will not understand why I am sad "all of a sudden."

But this is MY journey of grief and I know that I can not be on anyone else's timeline.

One more thing that is on my mind and bugging me:
I have luckily had wonderful support of friends and family, including one friend that texts me uplifting and positive quotes every day. But today she sent me one that made me kind of angry. It said, "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass.. It's about learning how to dance in the rain."
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DANCE?!
I know that this all just comes with grief-- the impatience, the irratability, the negativity, the hopelessness, and the frustration.
But it feels absolutely impossible to have an ounce of positivity when I feel like half of me is dead and I have no idea who I even am anymore.

Sorry that this post has been so random and unorganized. As someone with major OCD, I like to have my thoughts organized before I write them.
But, nothing in my life is in order now, much less my emotions. For now, all I can do is accept that there is a lot of debris that I will have to sort through and organize.
So please, bear with me.