Analyzing Reactions

Just another day in a nightmare.

First of all, I'm sick with a terrible case of bronchitis that won't go away because I'm so stressed, the antibiotics aren't doing any good. Secondly, I miss him so much I have felt sad and hopeless all day.

But there is one thing in particular on my mind.
I got a text today from a girl who I considered a close friend of mine that really aggravated me. I don't know if I took it wrong or if I was right to believe that it was really insensitive but hey, that's how I felt so I guess I can't apologize for that.

The message read:
"You know this is a huge decision in your life right now. Now is the time to decide whether you will ever be happy and if you want to be happy in life or to sit around and be sad and lost. You are not alone in this. I am here for you. I know sad and lost comes natural right now but you can shake it. I have faith."

Taking and analyzing this in two parts--
Pt. 1-- "You know this is a huge decision in your life right now. Now is the time to decide whether you will ever be happy and if you want to be happy in life or to sit around and be sad and lost."
RESPONSE- Since when has it been my decision to feel the emotions that come so naturally? Am I really being expected to just bounce back ALREADY? It has only been 1 month!!
Of course I don't want to sit around and be sad and lost but how the hell do I control that? I definitely want to feel happy again and know that one day I can be happy; but I know that particular emotion will not come to me for a long time.
I am shocked and frankly irritated that she could think that emotions are something I can control or decide about. Believe me, if my thoughts and emotions were something I could control, I would be more than happy to change them. But I can not apologize or be made to feel guilty for moping around or even for just feeling sad. Feeling sad is only normal. Honestly, I think I'd be more worried about myself if I wasn't upset about everything. If I was already normal again and happy and in the mood to be super social, I would hope someone would be worried and think that those emotions are weird, not the fact that I'm still feeling downtrodden. 

Pt. 2-- "You are not alone in this. I am here for you. I know sad and lost comes natural right now but you can shake it. I have faith"
RESPONSE- Obviously I AM alone in this. I appreciate people being there for me, especially when I have nothing but negative things to say about myself and my life. But, sometimes I feel like having that support can come at a price. The price are those expectations for the timeline of my own grieving process that I wrote about in my first post. It's like they think that by showing that they are here for me and have "faith" in me, I can magically pull myself off the ground and be perfectly fine. If only things worked that way.
Plus, I am definitely alone with my thoughts and emotions. Not one person can understand how this feels, unless by chance, they lost their fiancee/boyfriend of 5 years by a sudden and tragic death. I know that I am not the only one who has lost someone who played a large role in their life. But the relationship I had with Lance is one that nobody can fully relate to or understand; only we can. I can always share stories about the memories that only Lance and I made together; but unless you were there and part of the memory, you won't really get it. And that's okay, I don't expect you to. But don't pretend like you understand something because you think it makes me feel better.


I guess, once again, the lesson I can take from this is the same as my last post. I have to grieve and mourn the only way I know how, honestly and on my time.
As my counselor has told me, there's no right way to grieve. That was a hard thing to hear as a perfectionist who always strives to do everything right. But this is something I have never experienced before and hope to never go through again so every emotion is fresh and different, and most importantly, out of my control.

So I will try and get through this the only way I can-- on my own time.
No apologies.