Lance's case has been closed. The grand jury ruled no foul play. The detective told me that his case will state "unknown" but that it was clearly a horrific accident. This was supposed to bring closure to my life and while it makes me feel better that he went quickly without pain or struggle, the finality of everything is much more crushing than expected. Now I can move on with my life with answers but I HATE that I have to move on without him. All my plans for graduation and a beautiful proposal and wedding are gone and I am terrified to make new plans. I just wanted plans with him. He was the most amazing man I know (besides my dad) and he treated me better than I ever thought I deserved. Why do the best ones have to die young and take our happiness with them? "Life is unfair" is an understatement.

Catching Up

When tragedy knocks you down and wipes out everything you think you know about yourself, you are forced to rebuild and reconsider things about your life.
That couldn't be more true lately.

I have always dealt with anxiety and OCD but it has definitely heightened with the loss of my Lance.  The pressure to become normal again, especially in the midst of senior year of college, can be so overwhelming that I just break. Lately the panic attacks have been extremely intense and more present in my life than I ever expected. It has been so scary to have no knowledge whatsoever of what will happen tomorrow. I thought it could all be planned, but I can't even plan what I want for lunch tomorrow. Feeling so unsure of everything and losing control over emotions, memory, and a sense of normalcy is probably the cause for the recent anxiety attacks.
It also doesn't help that the projects and tests are piling up, along with being sick with bronchitis and sinus infections. Even my immune system is at rock bottom.

Dealing with grief and coping the loss of someone who was so present in my life is made so much harder when it's coupled with any kind of anxiety disorder, much less 2 of them. It seems so unfair (and it is) that I can't even grieve normally because I freak out about the fact that I don't know how to do it. If only there were a manual that could tell you exactly how to feel.
But if I have learned one big lesson here, it's that you can't control emotion.
Letting go of that control has been such a trying experience, yet, a necessary one.
There are so many times I wish I could snap my fingers and make myself feel a certain way but the realistic part of me knows that it's simply impossible.

But the hardest part lately is having to accept the fact that I should ask for more help. As school piles up and I become overwhelmed, I am forced to recognize that I need assistance. I have already gotten special permission to take tests separately from other students so I don't get anxious about time constraints. But actually seeking out the assistance for myself was way more humbling than expected. I hate to ask for help sometimes because in my head it feels like defeat, makes me feel weak, and brings back those wondering thoughts about my being a burden on my friends, colleagues, and family. But now, I am glad I asked because it is very clear to see which people have been eager to help without expecting anything in return. Those are the people I need more of in my life.

I am trying so hard to find positive things and to grow from such a terrible situation. Hopefully, I am at least making baby steps. But I still have days where things feel so far from positive and I feel like I am completely run down with no hope of moving on. And I still get the saying so much "I have so much faith in you that you are strong and will get through this." I wonder if those people have a little too much faith in my strength? I would hate to be a letdown when I simply can't pull it together. I understand that I am definitely over-thinking words that people say to make me feel better, but I can't help but analyze everything in my life. It's just my nature; no apologies.

By the way, if you have any advice for me, please feel free to comment! I will seriously consider and try anything if it will help lighten my load even a little.

Last topic/thought of the day:
Today is my parents 25th wedding anniversary. They are such a strong team. Even when they bug the stew out of each other, they suck it up and accept each other as they are. They  raised me and my two brothers well and have always been the model of marriage and true love that Lance and I hoped to live up to.
It's a little bittersweet for me because I am so happy for them, but sad that Lance and I will never get to meet our full potential as husband and wife. Lance was literally my knight in shining armor (I called him Sir Lancelot.. I know, corny). Even if I felt at my worst and my self esteem was gone, I could at least have faith that someone loved every ounce of me. I always believed that he was going to be the one I never even had to worry about divorce with. We showed so many similarities to my parents in the way that we were a team, a partnership.
Now that the potential for our greatness is gone, it worries me that I will never find someone that can love me as unconditionally as Lance and that I will never find someone in whom I can put all of my trust.
I know it's way too soon to even consider another love, but it's definitely a constant worry that I will end up alone as some old cat lady. And I HATE cats!

I have to admit, even typing that felt a little silly. I just had that "ah-ha" moment that I need to try and bring my focus back to the here and now. Later will take care of itself.

But now, I guess all I can do is cope with everything the best way I know how. Talking about it, especially blogging helps. Also, I know that trying to remain patient when I am frustrated at the situation is vital. At this point, I have nothing else left to lose.
I will do anything I can to transform my emptiness into something full and beautiful and become someone that Lance would be proud of. I just HAVE to honor him in that way.

It's my mission.